Thank you for coming to this site and reading this page. Here in lies MY Story. As I continue to grow and change so does this story. What you are about to read was written right before I took a trip to Kona, Hawaii during my Fat Burning phase of my own transformation. At this time I was closing in on a 50 pound fat loss… My story will continue as each phase of my own life unfolds. enjoy… and at the end.. if you like…. send me your comments ~Nadine
FRUSTRATED!!! DISGUSTED!!! JUDGMENTAL!!!… PISSED OFF!! Yeah, if you were to look in the dictionary under any of those words you’d see my picture in black and white. Those are NOT the feelings I wanted to have or expected to have. You see I was well into Phase II of my program. For months I had been preparing for the day when Phase II would begin; the time of Magic…the time when Miracles would occur, when my body would instantly shed the pounds and protection I had been carrying for years. I remember standing on the scale after my first rotation of Phase II totally disappointed that my body didn’t immediately dump the weight. Then the second rotation… no change… 3rd rotation.. no change… after 4 weeks of NOTHING.. I was pissed off. I had worked so bloody hard for this, so WHAT WAS I DOING WRONG????? Argh
I would meet with my coach, he’d pump me up, keep me focused, then I’d go home knowing I could do this. Well, I’d do it.. and NO CHANGE. Take a minute if you will and run to your dictionary now… and look up STUCK… you see my picture??? How was this possible??? How was it that I could do every thing right, journal, drink my water, get my workouts in, do my cardio.. and still my body was STUCK.. This was the 5th week of nothing and Yes, Dammit, I expected it to shed immediately. I had watched others, guys mind you, that shed immediately. So what was wrong with me? With my body? Was I to be at 217 forever???
Two things happened that weekend. During a break for a class I was in my girlfriend asked me if I was waiting for the guy I was dating to accept me for where I was, rather than where I would be, before I’d shed the weight. I gave it some serious thought. At one time in my life someone else’s opinion of me weighted more than my own. NOT THIS TIME… If the guy couldn’t want me for WHO I was, regardless of how much I weighed, I had no use for him. So that wasn’t the trigger. I placed my call into my coach only to tell him that yet again, for the 5th week, there was NO CHANGE. I have to be honest, I expected him to yell at me, to take food away from me, to make me feel worthless. What I received was compassion and support. He had made me a promise when we started that he would be by my side every step of the way. That morning he reiterated it.. No matter how long it would take, he was by my side. I was not alone in this.
I got off the phone and started to cry. He really meant it. He really did. He wasn’t about BS… he wasn’t about a fast 12 week program ship em in ship em out.. He was about ME and MY program. Gawd that was difficult. To accept support I had to let go of fear. It was pretty obvious that I also had to let go of my expectations to be at 150 in 12 weeks since it was pretty clear THAT was not going to happen. Let’s be real, if I wanted to succeed I had to let go of my expectations period. The second thing that happened was even more profound. During the class, the instructor asked a simple question… If you could live forever, eternity that is, but the price was that you had to keep everything in your life/body/finances/age etc exactly as it IS right now… Can you HAVE it??? Can you HAVE and BE exactly where you ARE??? Cause if you can have where you ARE… then you can change it. If you cannot have it right now… you will never be able to change it.
Major panic hit at that moment. Could I HAVE being at 217 for the rest of my life??? A resounding HELL NO!!!!!!!!!! Don’t you understand?? I am tired of being in this fat body. I am tired of using my fat for protection.. I am tired of always having to hide………. That night I stood in front of the mirror stark naked and did some serious evaluating. Here I was beating myself up for choices I had made. It is so easy to run away. It is so easy to reach for that extra helping or that snack. Is that what I wanted?? To run again??? Hell NO.. My coach said he was by my side every step of the way. I believed him. I believed in the program, but more importantly I believed in ME. I knew that I had courage. Maybe my body was being stubborn, but I knew that if I didn’t accept where I was and love me for being exactly at 217 I’d never leave. So I started thanking my body for being there for me. Thanking it for protecting me.. Thanking it for releasing the bodyfat.
I was stuck at 217 for 6 weeks… then the first pound came off. One would think the heavens opened up and the halleluiah chorus was being sung in 12-part harmony. Well guess what… IT WAS… This was a day of celebration. My body had finally cracked… so NOW the weight would just drop off. I totally expected to wake up and be skinny the next day. Stop laughing at me. Yeah I know, I had already been down that road once… but old habits are hard to break. I was still attached to having expectations. I’d lose a pound… then a pound… then a pound and a half. Moving from 217 to under 210 was a major accomplishment. When I broke 210 I was celebrating again.. Then my body decided that it was going to stop again. I was fed up. I had enough of this crap. This program was crap. All the exercise was crap. I mean if I could do all this work and not have changes… why was it worth it?? What was I busting my butt for????? CRAP, CRAP, CRAP… Another miracle happened that day. A guy that had started his Phase II a little while before me, and was having great results mind you, walks in the gym and tells me he got fed up and quit. That he was back to drinking beer and eating like a horse, oh yeah, did I forget to mention he was gaining his weight back. It was such a shock to see with my own eyes how quickly going back to junk food could alter the human form. I gave thanks to him for that sight, turned around and picked up my weights again. This program was going to work. I was not running away. I was not going to let old patterns win. From now on, I was going to focus on ONE rotation at a time, ONE pound at a time, ONE rep at a time.
I wish I could tell you that my body dropped the weight overnight. In actuality it was more like watching paint dry or black strap molasses come out of a jar. But one day, I broke 200. I cried that day. I had a little ceremony to say good-bye to the 200’s. I made a promise to myself that I was complete with them. I made my peace then set a new focal point. About 6 weeks later I broke 190 and was dancing. Soon I’d even be able to wear thong underwear (another goal of mine). Slowly but surely, taking one day at a time, one pound at a time, and I was knocking at the door to 180. Every pound is a success. Every rotation is a success. I have a program that works. I have a coach that stands by my side encouraging me to be my best. And best of all, I love ME… exactly WHERE I am. I can HAVE me, exactly where I am.
Ever walk into the store just after the fresh bread comes out of the oven and your mouth begins to salivate?? Well right now, I am salivating to reach a 50-pound loss. If you asked me right now, what does it take to make this program work?? I’d tell you COURAGE. Courage to be bigger than frustration; courage to be bigger than disappointment; courage to be bigger than expectations; bigger than fear. Then I’d ask you the same question that was asked of me. If you could live forever knowing that you’d have to stay exactly where you ARE right now?? Can you HAVE it?? Cause if you can truly HAVE it, you can own it and then change it.
Having my picture taken rates right up there with a root canal or ripping off my toenails. Yet here I am, in Hawaii, agreeing to have my friends take my picture in their back yard. Jim tells me to go put on something bold. Hmmmm… something bold… Well I have this purple/emerald/gold dress that is pretty bold. I get all dolled up and walk outside when Pam, Jim’s wife says, “You are NOT having your picture taken in that!!”
I am totally dumbfounded. Yeah I know it is a little big on me… it is roomy, but I figured we could gather it up in the back a little. The pit bull announces again “You are NOT having your picture taken in that… it looks like a tent”. Well crap, now what?? It is the only BOLD dress I had with me on the trip. The little pit bull comes back and says try this on. In her hand is this skimpy red/black/green floral thingy. I stare at her, stare at this string of cloth she has in her hand and state “NO *&#*(&*# way is that going on my body!!!!” You can probably imagine the battle that went on… the 5’2” pit bull with the red clingy thing against me at 5’10” in my tent. (I still can’t believe she called my lovely dress a tent). “Trust Me,” she says… yeah right. Well I decide to prove her WRONG and put on the bloody dress. OMG it showed every line of my body. I wouldn’t be caught dead in public with this thing on. From some corner of my mind I hear the little pit bull calling the photographer… “Honey, doesn’t she look lovely”. Great now it is two against one. I agree to have my picture taken all the while thinking about giving a root canal and dreaming of ripping off someone’s toenails.
After the ordeal, and yes to me it felt like an ordeal, Pam pulled me in front of a mirror so I could just look at myself. I can honestly say… the image staring back at me was not what I THOUGHT I looked like. In my minds eye, I still had the image of me some 40 odd pounds ago. This was a whole new ball game to be standing in this clingy thing, to feel my body and watch it move. WOW. This was something new something to consider. And… it felt damn good to take the clingy thingy off and put on my shorts and tank top essentially putting on the clothes in my comfort zone. I breathed. I lived. Ok… It wasn’t so bad after all. About 15 minutes later Jim calls me into the backroom to view the pictures. I was totally amazed at what I was looking at. The woman staring back at me was not the picture of what I thought that dress would look like. Again I had to shift. This was a different perspective than even looking in the mirror. It actually looked good. I was amazed. No, I was shocked actually. I just didn’t have a concept of what my body looked like NOW. I didn’t have a concept of what wearing clothing that complimented my physique could do for my self-esteem or me. I had been hiding for a lifetime.
The next evening Pam requested I wear the “dress” out to dinner. OMG here we go again. Did I really have what it took to push through this fear and wear that thing out in public??? I mean come on, the back yard is one thing, ya know safe and all around two people. While I didn’t die yesterday let’s be brutally honest here, my fat does show in this bloody dress. OMG OMG OMG OMG. Breathe Nadine… Breathe. I went searching for a pair of thong underwear that wouldn’t pinch my fat too much and had to giggle because one of my goals when I began this transformation process was to wear thong underwear. And here I am in Hawaii wearing thong underwear AND a clingy thingy. I also put on my black fanny pack. My reasoning was simple. The fanny pack would HIDE MY STOMACH. The little pit bull didn’t say anything and I felt safe. Score 2 points for Nadine. She is out in public in the dress. I will admit however that I walked behind my hosts. I figured that if I walked behind them no one would see me! Like the logic? If I pretend you can’t see me then you won’t see me. Did I mention I am 5’10” and wearing a bloody bold red dress?????? If I could have I would have laughed at myself. However it was taking every bit of courage I had to walk, breathe and keep my heart from exploding. Heads turned as we walked into the restaurant. My brain yelling, “See I told you, you are fat. You have no business wearing this dress” finally we are sitting down, my back to the crowd so I can pretend we are the only people there. My denial as big as the ocean I was admiring.
Remember the pit bull?? Well she says, “Take off the fanny pack”. I can’t! This is my safety line, my protection from everyone seeing my stomach. Fear is racing through my body. Sweat seeping onto my skin. I am sure I am snow white in spite of my great tan. Once again I hear Pam’s voice gently nudging me to let my safety net go. I have tears streaming down my face, vulnerability written all over being. Somewhere deep inside I feel a nudge. Go for it Nadine. And recall this quote “Sometimes the risk to remain tight in a bud is more painful than the risk it takes to fly.” Gawd I as so scared. Yet I really wanted to fly. I wanted this freedom. So with hands shaking and tears streaming down my face I unbuckled the fanny back and allowed myself to BE. While staring at this beautiful ocean as the sun was setting, I allowed myself to be vulnerable. Softly I touched my body… I had to. I had to make this experience real. Once I had calmed down Jim took more pictures. I was still alive and suddenly had to move. I made a conscious choice in that moment that I was no longer willing to hide. I got up, and as I walked to the restroom I allowed myself to let go of preconceived notions, old thought patterns and old pain. As I walked back to the table I claimed my new body and allowed myself to receive the looks of appreciation from both the men and women. I’ll admit NOW, that dress looks great on me. In another 10 pounds it will look down right HOT, for now it looks great. (Progress grin grin)
The next day Pam suggests I try on a pink clingy thing for a photo shoot on a black sands beach. Once again I was presented with an opportunity to TRUST and take another step towards personal freedom. I had no concept of what pink or this new clingy thing would look like on me. I don’t know if you will ever get to see the pictures that I am attaching to this note. What I will say is WOW, IS THIS REALY ME???. I look awesome… even in PINK… WOW. If I look and feel like this now, how will I look and feel then?? When I began transforming my Physique my goals were to wear thong underwear and uncover my body. Well I am in the underwear and am closing in on the ‘uncovering’ portion. What I didn’t know I would get was a total appreciation for MYSELF. I didn’t know I’d learn that being vulnerable was going to be a gift or that if I had to chose between old pain and my new body I’d chose the new body. WOW. The concept of ENJOY THE JOURNEY has taken on new light. (a good thing)
I am home again. This morning I hit the 50-pound mark. And while I still have a bit to go in uncovering my physique, I have learned that the goals I set out for myself have already been fulfilled. I am setting new goals since I really have a new body. Upon taking a serious look at my wardrobe I have discovered that 98% of my clothing hides my body. I am committed to purchasing new things that enhance/show off my new physique. I am no longer willing to hide for any reason. THAT IS A NEW CONCEPT FOR ME. Pam gifted me with that dress. I am now looking for an opportunity to wear it on my home turf and strut! Maybe I’ll see YOU out there and we can both strut in our new physiques.
I started Burning Fat again in October 2003. My goal is to take off the remainder of my body fat and see how far I can challenge my own Physique.. keep posted for my progress.. and Best Wishes to YOU for YOUR TRANSFORMATION…
If you are interested in having me as your coach, please contact me. I am Dedicated to co-creating Results with you as you walk this path. I believe your transformation is an Investment IN you.. FOR you.
Oshtahay is Cherokee for You being Me being You being Me